r/AITAH • u/Silent_Iron_8827 • 18h ago
English Second Language My wife's dad died on Christmas in 2022. She doesn't let us celebrate Christmas since then.
My father-in-law died on 25 Dec 2022. Extremely sad, unfortunate, my wife has been taking therapy since then.
Although we've two kids (currently 6F, 8F) we didn't celebrate 2023 & 2024 Christmas, because my wife wasn't ready. I respected that, didn't put lights or decos, just 2 pair of gifts for the kids.
Honestly speaking, me & our daughters didn't had a good bond with her dad, because he was terminally ill since years.
Since his death, I'm doing everything to support my wife. There's not a single advice her therapist gave me which I didn't follow. Trips, gifts, taking over 60% of work, staying calm when she shouts, getting her positive books and pushing her to focus on her hobbies and what not.
Her therapist, since around a year, just says one thing, that my wife needs to push herself now. We can help her to a certain extent, she needs to make efforts herself.
I was really excited for 2025 Christmas (mainly for kids, they kept asking us why we don't celebrate Christmas like x & y (their friends) which honestly drained my heart. I've been encouraging my wife too since October.
I was really expecting her to move on this time but again, she started behaving the same a week before Christmas and now, I was honestly fed up with her. For how many years are we gonna miss our family's Christmas, that too I call the best years, as our kids are of perfect age to celebrate it.
I asked her this in a straight tone, got no reply other than a moody behavior from her. This time I decided to prioritize our daughters' happiness and did the arrangements, decorations with them, while still trying to push my wife but she got highly irritated, upset as if why we're even celebrating.
Her behavior continued and I had a breaking point at some moment, I hold her shoulders and asked her in a high tone about till when is this going to last and why she's so keen to ruin the best time of our lives, she's upset like a very spoiled teenager always AITA here
Her siblings and even mom have moved on and celebrating Christmas fully since 2024.
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u/SorbetLost1566 17h ago
Has her therapist addressed what she is taking from her own kids?
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u/professorpumpkins 16h ago
This. Because it’s so much more than Christmas. What about the other 364 days a year?
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u/quantas001 15h ago
Well said, and does she think her father would want her to grieve him, to the extent she has forsaken the needs of her partner and children?
Life is for the living no amount of grieving or sacrifice will return her to a time, that will erase what has happened. She needs help…
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u/lime_head737 13h ago
I was trying to explain this to my wife this week. I lost both of my parents before I was 27. So holidays and milestones can be tough. She’s sometimes not convinced that my “holiday spirit” is genuine and wants to make sure I’m okay mentally. But, on this day or thanksgiving, we visit and spend time with her family of at least 30. 4 generations get together and it’s the most wholesome feeling in the world to be a part of that. I don’t feel bad on these days for being happy. Do I miss my mom and dad? Yes, but I’m lucky enough to still have family that is here right now. My parents wouldn’t want me to wallow on the day when I can be surrounded with those who love me on earth. It’s better for my soul and their legacy.
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u/elvieevee 10h ago
Absolutely. My mum died on 4 Jan, my daughter on 7 Dec, so Christmas season is hard for us. My dad died by suicide 9 months after my daughter. We have 2 living kids and one on the way - life doesn’t stop and nor should it. Talking therapy has helped my husband and I massively but we’ve also needed different types of therapy alongside this - trauma focussed CBT for him and EMDR for me. You have to want to get better though. Some people live their lives defined by trauma: I choose not to.
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u/lime_head737 5h ago
Yes, I had a hard time in the beginning understanding that the world doesn’t stop. I took it so personal. But like you and your husband, I also have been in ongoing therapy for years since I lost my first parent. My father, bless him, never dealt with the death of his parents and sister when he was a child. So that was used as an excuse my whole life to get him out of any accountability when he would make bad decisions. Having that as a starting point made it a very easy call to get some therapy. I want to make sure I heal and don’t carry that grief for the rest of the world to deal with.
I am so deeply sorry for the losses your family has endured. It gives me hope to hear from others that may struggle but still don’t let the bad stuff define their life.
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u/Pale_Beach_3017 12h ago
My grandma actually said the same thing (about losing loved ones but being so lucky to have other loved ones around) during our Christmas dinner grace!
I’m sorry for your losses but I’m very glad that you get to enjoy your holidays <3
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u/MrsSEM84 6h ago
In 2017/2018 over the space of 18 months I lost my Dad, my eldest brother and then my Mum. They are all in thoughts during the holidays, but that pushes me to enjoy them rather than feel sad. I’m still here, and their deaths taught me a harsh lesson about not taking time for granted. My brother was only 45, and my parents both 65 when they died. Every Christmas I get to enjoy with my remaining family is a gift.
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u/Kenai-Phoenix 13h ago
That is what I am thinking as well, for this woman not to have made any progress in 3 years, proves she is seeing the wrong therapist.
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u/Cosmicshimmer 13h ago
Not necessarily. She has to do the work. Therapists are not magic wands, they don’t fix people, they give you the tools and space to fix yourself. If wife doesn’t want to do the work, the best therapist in the world couldn’t change that.
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u/Novaer 12h ago
At a certain point you're just talking to someone and enabling your own emotions, not working towards healing.
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u/Kopitar4president 10h ago
If your therapist can't get you to do the work after 3 years, they aren't effective.
It might not be their fault, but the therapy is clearly not working.
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u/bethe1_ 12h ago
But at a certain point, a therapist has to work with you and meet you where you are (speaking as a therapist). If i had a client who for 2-3 years was making 0 progress, I would need to reevaluate what we’re both doing because that’s a long time to be frozen. It’s not about being the best therapist, it’s about knowing what your client needs and if i’m doing that for them.
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u/Diligent-Might6031 11h ago
Amen. My husband is a therapist and he’s referred plenty of patients to either a higher level of care or to a different therapist or just ended their working relationship because that’s the ethical thing to do when someone is frozen and you’ve done all you can within your scope of practice. Or because someone has done all the work and they don’t need him anymore.
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u/professorpumpkins 15h ago
Exactly. Is she fully present every other day that isn’t a holiday? I’m guessing not. So she’s absenting herself from the everyday, birthdays, other holidays, random joyful days? Not to mention to mention the minutiae of parenting two young children. OP can’t fill all those gaps and do all the heavy lifting while their wife disappears into herself.
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u/SugarSway34 14h ago
Missing two Christmases already is huge. Your daughters asking why they’re different from their friends is heartbreaking. You did the right thing for them.
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u/DeepValleyDrive 13h ago
Yeah, honestly, anyone who is unable to handle the grief of losing their parent, an unfortunate inevitability that almost everyone experiences (unless they die first) is unfit to be a parent or partner themselves. I know for a fact that losing both of my parents will be two of the hardest days of my life, but I do not get to stop the world for my grief. I will still have to take care of my responsibilities to others and participate in the world. Yes, it will be hard, but that's literally an inescapable facet of life. It's one thing to lose your child, something most people never expect to have to do, but losing parents/grandparents is something that should be expected at some point.
Tbh, I would genuinely consider divorcing someone if they basically put my children's lives on hold so they could wallow in grief for a whole year, let alone three. It's truly just selfish behavior.
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u/lktn62 13h ago
I lost my mom very unexpectedly in March of 2012. I still miss her and think about her every day.
The grief over losing a parent is, I think, sometimes hard for others to understand, because, as you said, you do expect to lose them at some point in your life. But for me, it was the realization that the one person who literally knew me even before I was born, the one person that I always knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, loved me unconditionally, the one person who knew me inside and out, knew my strengths and my faults, and loved me anyway, was irrevocably gone.
On holidays, especially Christmas, sometimes even this many years later, the grief is almost like a physical punch in the gut. But I have a husband, grown children and precious grandchildren who need me. And I know my mom would never want me to hurt them over my grief at losing her. So we talk about her, laugh at memories, and bring her with us in our hearts as we celebrate.
I sincerely hope OP's spouse can come to understand that her father would hate to see her ruin her children's chance at holiday magic from grieving him.
OP, you did the right thing with your children. NTA
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u/aPawMeowNyation 12h ago
I lost my dad in 2021 shortly after I got my first job(literally the day I got my first paycheck). It was already rough without the realization that he was abusive, but I got back to work in less than a few days because I knew shit had to get done and no one else was there to help me.
The world doesn't stop just because you lose someone, so expecting everyone else to put their lives on hold for you is incredibly cruel and selfish.
I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like she was a great woman. I bet she'd be so proud of who you've become.
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u/keelhaulrose 16h ago
Maybe she's just ensuring she's not the kind of parent her children are going to mourn for 3 years.
I'd put money that grandpa would be horrified his death is the reason his grandkids don't get Christmas. I lost my dad in 2022, I'm pretty sure he'd be haunting my ass today if I used missing him as an excuse not to do Christmas with my kids.
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u/BillyNtheBoingers 15h ago
I lost my dad 2 weeks after Xmas 22 years ago and NEVER dreamed of wrecking the holiday season. Neither did my mom even though they were married for 23 years.
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u/purpledragonfly0504 12h ago
I lost my mom 3 days before Christmas 10 years ago and I'd never dream of telling anyone they weren't allowed to celebrate Christmas. Or any other holiday.
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u/simply_overwhelmed18 10h ago
We lost my dad on his birthday in October 2022. We have a half sister from dads first marriage, his first marriage they were both teenagers and had my sister. They divorced when dad was only 22, and he was married to my mum a few years later and were together until his death. They were married for 48 years before he died. Anyway my sisters mum died yesterday (xmas day here) at 8.40am. She'd been sick for a long time and told them to celebrate no matter which day she died. So my sister and her stepdad were at the hospital with her, but the rest of the family xmas celebrations went ahead as some of my sisters grandkids are too young to fully understand death. Yes the adults were sad, but she would have been disappointed in them if they'd cancelled the whole day.
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u/chantvl 15h ago
I lost mine in 2023 and if he even thought he was the reason my kids missed out on anything, he’d have me struck by lightning
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u/Traditional_Ad_9422 9h ago
Same. It’s shit & my mum is really struggling because Christmas was their favourite time of year & they always made it magical for us as kids & had a full social calendar. But we’ve never let it interfere with the kids celebrating. We all have our moments where we breakdown or have a shitty say but we pull ourselves together to make it magical for his grandkids & talk about him & include his memory in the celebrations. This woman needs help but she shouldn’t be punishing everyone around her, especially her kids.
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u/Patient_Tangelo_7042 14h ago
Lost my mom January 2022. If I had kids she would cause small earthquakes to warn me not to fudge up. Lol
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u/Annalise705 15h ago
Exactly!! My mom died on Easter and even the year she died my dad celebrated Easter with my son because he is young . My son was very sad and it wasn’t as joyful as previous yrs but we were able to separate out her death from the holiday. I get Easter isn’t as big of a deal as Christmas for kids but it still is a big deal to them
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u/Intheshadows74 15h ago
My dad pasted away December 18 2023 at 11:55 pm. December 19th we left our home at 6 am my husband went in for cancer surgery . His father passed away Christmas Eve ten years ago. We still celebrate Christmas. We hold our loved ones who are alive tight and the angels watch with a smile. She is doing this to be SELFISH
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u/No-Finding-530 15h ago
When your therapist says " get the fuck over it" you know shes milked it.
Dad was terminal for years he didnt suddenly die... shes a narcissist who is making his death all about her and controlling the whole house using grief as an excuse. Dude died 3 years ago sis needs to knock it off
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u/TheOneWithThePorn12 12h ago
Its also not like they cant mourn her father anyway. Like you can do both.
My grandmother passed last September and it still doesnt feel real to me since it was so quick but for the entire year we didnt celebrate anything. My sisters wedding was postponed and my pops turned 60 and we didnt do anything. Like what are supposed to do never move on? My grandmother raised me and she would have absolutely hated if we stopped celebrating things. She loved when everyone got together.
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u/shockfuzz 12h ago
This. I fully recognize that grief hits people in different ways and they need to heal on their own terms. Something else is going on here, though. Not letting your young children celebrate the holidays for 2-3 years? And no plan to in the future? That's bananas.
Many people with loved ones dealing with an extended end of life, grieve their loss long before they pass away.
Wife's therapist sounds awful, too. I find it hard to believe they suggested things like trips, cutting back work indefinitely, and so on, as a way to process grief. It's sort of too late to push now, after the wife's behaviour has been reinforced for years.
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u/Lermanberry 9h ago
I'd bet good money that the husband doesn't communicate with the therapist directly. He's probably only hearing the "therapist's" instructions from the wife.
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u/AspiringJournalist00 13h ago
This. She’s getting something out of this. But what? How is holding on to grief at this level (making your young kids suffer) benefitting the wife? Because it is in some way.
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u/phinz 13h ago
She gets rewards like trips and gifts, passive spouse when she pitches a fit, special hobby time as well as less responsibilities. Poor behavior is being rewarded. She won’t change until those benefits end. NTAH.
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u/chaos_coordinator70 12h ago
I blame this partly on the “therapist”. I may be wrong but trips and gifts don’t really help with grief in my opinion! I have lost my father and will not fib one bit, I was a certifiable wreck! I still Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas! If nothing else I doubled and tripled down on those holidays. Probably to levels anyone looking would have thought I was losing my mind! I was! Literally! But I still did them! I still showed up for my children and grand child, siblings, and my mom! Not one single gift was given to me to help with grief! I did take a trip because I woke up a few weeks after my dad’s funeral and wanted my grand child! So I drove 17 hours to where they were and I stayed for Halloween!
OPs wife seems to have lost touch with reality OR more likely likes the attention, the gifts, trips etc more than she loves her children!
I hope OP can either bring her back to a real life situation or is strong enough to move on in a direction that is safe, healing and happy for him and the children!
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u/Fluffy-Pancake2106 18h ago
We lost my granny two days ago. We're just trying to make the best of the day we can. And we don't even have little kids to do that for. Honestly it's cruel to take Christmas away from the children. Sometimes as adults we just have to use our coping mechanisms to do things we find challenging.
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u/Silent_Iron_8827 16h ago
Extremely sorry for your loss 🙏
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u/awkwardturtle234 10h ago
Hijacking this comment to hope you see this OP.
My Mom lost both her parents around Christmas time (23rd Dec) when she was in her teens. It happened over 30 years ago. She LOVES Christmas and I think it's because she finds solace in the decorating and celebrating, knowing she's celebrating both Christmas itself and the life her parents lived.
Can you try and frame it as celebrating Christmas and her father's life as a whole? Maybe get in touch with your MIL and your wife's siblings and ask about any Christmas traditions they had with her father growing up. Try and arrange those, framing it in a way that you want to keep her father's memories alive. Maybe you'll get through to her that way. It could be a start to getting her to open up and be willing to celebrate.
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u/FoldedDice 9h ago
This is what we do. My dad's death date was on December 18th, and we decided right away that we didn't want his legacy to be that he spoiled Christmas. Instead we've incorporated some ways to memorialize him in our holiday tradition so he's still part of it.
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u/IAmStuka 16h ago
I'm in the same boat as you. Lost my grandad 2 days ago. Sorry for your loss.
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u/y0uLiKaDaPeppa 14h ago
I just lost my aunt. She left me money and a brand new car. I’d give anything to just have her still be here. I don’t want her things, I want her here :( All I could do this year was show up, but I had to show up, for my nephews and family. She would have done that for me. The grieving feels unbearable. I’m so sorry for your loss & I wish you the best while you get through this season of your life.
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u/Powered-by-Chai 16h ago
Yup, the Father's Day after my Dad died I helped the kids do stuff for my husband, and sobbed in the bathroom later. It sucks but life goes on. OP's wife is just selfish, to want to take the holiday away from her own children.
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u/knifeyspoonysporky 16h ago
Yeah we lost my grandma on Christmas Eve during the gathering at my parents house and she was in a far away country so nothing could be done about it right away. We continued the gathering/dinner/gift exchange because the holiday and being together with family helped us through the grief.
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u/SB_Wife 15h ago
My grandmother died a few days before Christmas as well, a few years ago now. It is always difficult but we still all got together, had a good time, and the gifts we had purchased for her (which, at her age, was mostly consumables like chocolates she liked or fancy hand cream) were either consumed by us on Christmas day, or we just amicably distributed stuff among ourselves.
It was a lovely way to remember her, have a piece of her present, and the younger kids still got to experience Christmas.
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u/Least-Designer7976 17h ago
Same, my mom proposed to take me on her side's Christmas, but my grandma (dad's mom) is in such bad state I clearly told her it was one of my worst Christmas and I had zero good vibes to give. I've been crying for three days. I really fear to hear the bad news anyday, but also know she can hold on for a long time (her mom survived 10 years in her situation).
I would never ask her to not celebrate Christmas. Just to not involve me in it. OP's wife can ask to go somewhere else to at least let them do it without her. It's insane to freeze the whole family. It's not even a healthy way to cope. It's freezing and retarding her grief.
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u/Moriaena 15h ago
Same boat here. Lost my grandmother on the solstice. Oddly enough, she was born on the summer solstice, died on the winter one. Her spouse died 9pm May of 24, she died 9am.
But we know she wants us to spend time together and enjoy life. She was all about parties, drama, and family. Always wore the latest fashions and makeup, etc. So everyone being somber and secluded in black is everything against who she was. Even if it's a hard time, the last thing she wants is everyone to mope about on her favorite holiday. Now in her case, it's great grandkids that are the age of OP's kids. So we're doing what we can to keep the magic alive.
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u/Fluffy-Imagination51 15h ago
Exactly, we lost my aunt to Alzheimer’s (in a traumatic way) last Sunday. It was terrible timing but unfortunately the show must go on, she wouldn’t want us to stop celebrating.
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u/sweetmusic_ 16h ago
Sorry for your loss. I know it hurts so much 💔. We lost my gran in September of 19. That year just the two of us (mom and I) tried to make Christmas as happy as we could even though we definitely weren't feeling the spirit of the season. For reference I was in my late 20's then mid 30's now
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u/odelally 16h ago
- Absolutely and completely.
- Sorry for your loss .
- Your granny would be extremely proud of you. ❤️
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18h ago
NTA. You’ve been incredibly supportive for years, and it’s completely valid to want some Christmas for your kids x
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u/coldcanyon1633 17h ago
NTA Your kids are growing up fast and you need to make memories while you can.
Your wife needs to learn a few simple truths: 1) The present takes priority over the past; 2) Put your kids first; 3) The best way to help yourself is by helping others.
She has been allowed to focus entirely on herself and her own needs for years. Time for her to focus on the needs of her loving family.
Also, if she is still in the same rut since 2022 it sounds like she needs a new, goals-oriented therapist.
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u/Difficult-Bus-6026 16h ago
Ditto! The altruism of parenthood should’ve kicked in by now with your wife. You said that her mother and siblings have already moved on; would involving them in your Christmas celebration help motivate your wife when she sees her mother and siblings celebrating? Sharing Christmas with them might allow her to remember all the good Christmas memories with her father and bring that old spirit to the present.
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u/Beth21286 14h ago
OP and the kids do Christmas. If she doesn't want to, she leaves. That's it. No more negotiation.
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u/HammyMugats 13h ago
My ex-wife is currently suffering from extreme depression and isn’t present during Christmas. I refuse to let this ruin the day for my son (8). We soldier on and I try to make it normal as possible.
She is welcome to join us, but her condition should not but a burden for my son.
Your wife (and you) need to get your priorities straight. Her depression about her father’s death cannot be allowed to become the focus of your family in what is largely a joyous time of year.
If she cannot pull it together for the sake of the kids, send her to Mexico to an all-inclusive for the week or Christmas and get on with your (and your kids) lives.
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u/peerdata 14h ago
Yeah, kinda sad for the kids though to not have their mum trying to celebrate and make memories with them like her dad presumably did with her.
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u/FloridaPorchSwing 16h ago
4) The living take precedent over the dead.
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u/YukariYakum0 16h ago edited 15h ago
I highly doubt her father would like the thought of his legacy being that his granddaughters don't get to celebrate Christmas.
Harsh as it might be, maybe wife needs to hear that.
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u/DragonflyGrrl 13h ago
Seriously though. He would surely hate that.
I lost my dad a few years ago, I know how absolutely horrible it is. But even with that grief I cannot imagine doing something like taking Christmas away from my children. That's a whole new tragedy on its own that SHE Is making happen.
My dad died right before Halloween.. I never once dreamed of not celebrating it with my kiddos. This is just not okay.
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u/PossibilyIcy 16h ago
The wife's therapist laid it out clear to everyone: "That my wife needs to push herself now. We can help her to a certain extent, she needs to make efforts herself."
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u/Spinnerofyarn 16h ago
I don’t think it’s the therapist. A therapist can’t force someone to do what needs to be done if the patient isn’t willing. OP’s wife isn’t willing. The therapist has said it’s time to push. That makes therapy a waste of money and time.
At this point, OP’s wife should just rent an AirBnB to stay in by herself over Christmas. She can not celebrate. She doesn’t get to insist the rest of the family can’t.
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u/villianrules 16h ago
It wouldn't surprise me if it ends in a divorce with OP having custody in December
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u/redeMption362 15h ago
Therapy only goes so far. The person receiving said therapy has to engage in it as well. It sounds like the therapist, & her family, have been holding her hand & coddling her for the last few years, hoping she'd heal & adjust, & now they're laying the truth out for her & she doesn't like that.
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u/nvrsleepagin 17h ago
Yeah, 3 years of therapy and she still won't let anyone around her celebrate Christmas!? Time to get a new therapist and/or a new partner.
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u/HollydaySunshine 16h ago
I don’t know, I’d stick with a therapist that got my partner to take me on trips, buy me gifts and do the majority of the chores.
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u/JoStan719 16h ago
Right? It sounds like the therapist is encouraging her to milk it for all she can… I understand grief is different for everyone but not allowing your family to celebrate Christmas for years is insane, especially with young children..
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u/Ok_Caterpillar_8238 16h ago
That therapists advice is shit. Giving someone presents and trips doesn't help with grief.
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u/Neveronlyadream 16h ago
I'm wondering if there's a language barrier or misinterpretation here. Because yeah, trips and presents won't help anyone with grief.
Either way, it also sounds like she isn't listening to her therapist's advice. At least, not if it makes her personally uncomfortable.
I get trauma and I understand grieving, but there comes a point where if it's affecting everyone around you, you need to either isolate yourself if you absolutely can't cope or learn to cope. If it was just OP and his wife, it would be a different story, but with two small children, it was time to think about them a long time ago.
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u/StrawberryDue4418 14h ago
I think it's more of a distraction to show her there are still good things happening in life so she's not drowning in grief. That said 3 years is too long to deprive the rest of the family. I get loss, I lost a family member the day before my birthday and now every year (it's been almost 18 years now) it's still a toss up if I can get through my birthday without crying. Healing isn't a permanent timeline unfortunately.
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u/said_pierre 14h ago
Is that what the therapist said, or is what OP's wife said the therapist said?
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u/IceSeeker 17h ago
Agreed. It's especially crucial for the kids to celebrate Christmas otherwise they might start associating it with bad memories of their mom's grief and not celebrate it anymore as they grow up.
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u/DragonflyGrrl 13h ago
This absolutely breaks my heart. They probably already will.. but there is still enough time to fix that. OP, they'll be older before you know it, Christmas with small children is precious and it is very fleeting. No more of this. You did a fantastic thing by decorating with your kids and stuff; don't let one more hear go by without celebrating. They'll be grown before you know it.
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u/Equivalent-Roll-3321 16h ago
TBH she needs to move on and not penalize your children and you. She may not be the happiest person on Christmas but she needs to not just do it for the kids but herself. Very unhealthy to continue with the no Christmas.
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u/HamRadio_73 17h ago
NTA. You can't get time back and your kids' memories are at stake while the wife basks in her self pity. Press on and hope she pulls out of it before a separation.
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u/BriefHorror 18h ago
I lost my dad last month I’m currently at a Christmas celebration your wife is being a dick to her kids. Everyone grieves differently but life doesn’t stop and joy is fleeting and needs to be cherished.
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u/jquailJ36 17h ago
Yeah. My dad died mid-December in 2021, a week before my mom's birthday and almost two weeks before Christmas. Everything was a little muted that year, and it was a bit sad the following year, but even without little kids involved we have Christmas. Expecting a six-year-old and an eight-year-old is miss out on a major holiday for someone who died when they were three and five is out of line.
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u/hiddenone0326 16h ago
My grandpa died on December 13, 2017. My entire family still got together to celebrate, even though it was muted, as you said. But we still had Christmas. NTA, OP.
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u/Complete-Midnight-62 15h ago
Same with us. My grandfather passed on Dec. 18, 1973, and we were literally burying him a couple of days before Christmas. We still had Christmas, even though it was a quiet one.
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u/Realistic_Seesaw7788 17h ago
Everyone grieves differently and I am a strong advocate for not pressuring people, but OP’s wife is affecting her kids. It’s fine if she doesn’t want to celebrate, but she has no right to ruin Christmas for them.
OP has done everything right, they have not been insensitive to their wife, and they are entirely within their rights to advocate for their daughters’ happiness.
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u/txgrl308 17h ago
My dad died in a car accident last month, and we all still celebrated Christmas because we have kids and they deserve Christmas!
We did the same when my mom died in October of 2021. Hell, I took my kids trick or treating TEN DAYS after she died.
This woman flew way past grief into asshole territory literal years ago. Insanely selfish behavior.
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u/GlitterbugRayRay 17h ago
I am so sorry for your loss
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u/txgrl308 17h ago
Thank you. I did have a little cry in the bathroom after all of the festivities were over.
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u/Obvious-Comment-2327 16h ago
I’m really sorry for your loss. Just wanted you to know that You’re an amazing parent.
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u/crazysoxxx 17h ago
Same except in October. Today is his bday. It’s been a weird sad day but I also have a toddler who loves the joy of Xmas and I don’t think it’s fair to take that from him.
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u/Wandering_aimlessly9 17h ago
Hugs. You’re an awesome parent.
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u/Suspicious_Name_8313 17h ago
Celebrating Christmas with your child is also celebrating the life of your dad. I wish that OP’s wife can do that for her kids
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u/JediFed 17h ago
We lost my father and my grandfather in this month. We still did Christmas the same year.
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u/Venusflytrippxoxo 17h ago
The wife probably has great Christmas memories with her dad. It’s selfish to ignore her living young children to mourn the dead.
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u/Intelligent-Panda-33 17h ago
Yup. Lost my stepdad at thanksgiving and our niece 2 weeks before Christmas. The holidays can suck but when you've got kids you have to work through it in a healthy way and allow your kids to have holiday memories. OP did right by his kids, wife needs to maybe try EDM therapy, it's helped my SIL working through the grief of losing her child.
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u/ciaran668 17h ago
It's not quite the same, but my father died in October 2005, and my partner really pushed me to continue with our annual big Halloween party, and the trick-or-treating, and all of that. I'm very glad she did, because it gave me a respite from the grief, and showed me that things can move on.
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u/MewKiichigo 17h ago
My grandma died early December when I was 14. My mom hated Christmas for a while but she still put in the effort for my sake and I appreciate that. Parents do for their kids, even when it hurts.
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u/lyfe-sublyme 16h ago
Same! My dad died a couple weeks ago. We all got together at Mom and Dads house and celebrated together.
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u/live-fast-eat-trash 18h ago
NTA. Your wife is stagnant in her grief. Yourself and your children should not have to be.
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u/ApprehensiveBeat4579 15h ago
And from the sound of it she doesn’t want to move on. Some people, after a while, are content to stay in their misery like that for some reason, whether it is cuz thats how they can remember the best or something idk. She is actively being a moody bitch to OP, her loving husband that put her first for years, and her own children, who are at the time of their lives where Christmas is magical and they don’t have life weighing them down. Your wife has made her grief and anguish your whole families. Props to OP for putting up with it for so long and the fact he managed to keep his shit together till this year is tremendous. OP should seriously have a tough discussion with this woman and explain that she is ruining a time of their lives that they will never get back, cuz those kids are gonna be in their teens soon, and then its gonna be too late for the giddy kiddie Christmas’s
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u/ChromosomeDonator 9h ago
And from the sound of it she doesn’t want to move on.
Of course not because she is getting constant gifts and pampering for her "grief" and the husband does majority of all work.
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u/silima 8h ago
This. Parents die. That's the way of life. My dad has been dead since I was 17, after battling cancer for 2 years. Of course I still miss him, but I have graduated school & university, met a guy, got married, bought a house and had a kid myself. Life goes on. The dead wouldn't want you to stay paralyzed with grief for years.
She is getting something out of being miserable and her therapist isn't helping either.
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u/countessofgroan 17h ago
NTA. She’s deciding to put her kids’ lives on hold because of her dead dad. That doesn’t honor anyone.
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u/majormimi 16h ago
Pretty sure grand dad would have wanted his grand children to enjoy christmas
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u/KoolaidKoll123 15h ago
This. What would her father think of how his daughter is treating her own children around the holidays because he's gone? She is being so selfish in her pain, she's causing her children to lose out on the best years of their lives for the holidays so she can mourn another year.
Maybe she needs a new therapist or one that is tougher on her. It doesnt sound like she made any progress this year albeit her therapist telling her to try and her husband looking in her eyes and saying it.
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u/Sharontoo 17h ago
I get that. My dad died just before Christmas, but we didn’t stop family Christmas. Instead we used the holiday to celebrate his life. We put some ornaments on the tree that come from my childhood. We talk about what Papa did for Christmas with his family. About how he made our Christmas special. It’s time to celebrate his memory, not the sadness.
Maybe ask her if she would rather spend Christmas week at a beach resort while you build memories with the children at home. They don’t deserve to be punished with her passive aggressive grief,
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u/beshadow4 12h ago
Truly this! Celebrate the life the person lived instead the sadness of the day they died. We usually make my grandparents favorite dinner or dessert, decorate with their favorite flowers, and exchange stories about all the times we spent together. Your wife could even buy presents "from grandpa" for the girls to keep his spirit alive. (My Gramps liked to buy us nonsense trinkets and keychains, so we find ridiculous small things to gift each other "from Gramps").
If she doesn't want to participate, that shouldn't mean you and your girls don't get to celebrate. The beach resort could be a great alternative!
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u/Boggers111 17h ago
My dad died on my birthday, it was horrible. But every year I celebrate the day I was born and the day I lost my best friend. Your wife is being horrible to your kids she needs to wake up and put them first.
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u/Enough-Arm7059 17h ago
I'm very sorry for your loss. The same thing happened to me. Just like you, I still celebrate my birthday, partly because I know it's important to my mom.
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u/Boggers111 17h ago
It’s been almost 15 years but it’s still a little tough and the first few years were rough. But I know he would have wanted me not to avoid celebrating my birthday it was also one of his favourite days.
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u/Enough-Arm7059 17h ago
I can't even tell you how much I understand these feelings. I'm glad you've found the strength to continue celebrating your birthday.
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u/grayblue_grrl 16h ago
" why we're even celebrating."
"BECAUSE WE HAVE CHILDREN who are alive and deserve better than being forced to wallow in your depression."
Let her know NOW that there will be Xmas 2026.
And she can spend the 2 nights at a hotel if she wants to NOT PARTICIPATE.
Christmas Eve, Day and come home on Boxing day.
Do not discuss this with her. She is not involved unless she is coming in with a positive and helpful attitude.
And starting in November you start planning with the kids.
What do we want for xmas breakfast?
Dinner?
Cookies? Pie? Cake?
Do we want a theme or colours?
Buy the gingerbread house kit
Crafts to make.
Set the tree up Dec 1st.
(AND you might want to document all of this for the time she takes you to court for custody because she is terminally selfish.)
NTA
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u/Giantsfan1954 18h ago
That's so unfair to your girls! She's married with her own family & needs to put them first. You said he was terminal so it wasn't unexpected,sounds like an attention grab...oh poor me. If she keeps it up,do the Christmas thing with the kids,events, visit Santa,get a tree,single parents do it all the time.
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u/Silent_Iron_8827 18h ago
Yeah trust me, even though she totally disturbed my mind, this time I did every single thing to celebrate Christmas for the girls. Sometimes I felt mixed on leaving my wife behind while visiting the local market with daughters, but I felt so liberated.
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u/nenyabi 17h ago
It's not on you, it's on your wife. She's the one choosing not to celebrate, and you don't owe her keeping yourself and your kids at home, miserable, away from joy and fun. She isn't handling her grief and needs therapy, but more importantly, she needs to stop pushing her poorly handled grief on your kids. They didn't kill your FIL, neither did you. Go celebrate, enjoy, and let her feel however she feels.
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u/Violet2047 16h ago
Well said ⬆️ cause that’s what I was thinking! Seems to me like she is punishing her kids cause her dad is gone!!
My brother died when he was 13 and I was 9, my mum was consumed with grief but she never stopped life because of it. I remember it as an extremely sad time I lost my best friend.
But my mum kept going we talked about him all the time and we remembered him. OPS wife is just being hurtful to everyone around her because she’s hurting. I wonder does she even consider her mum and sister or is she the only one that matters cause she’s definitely not thinking of her daughters.
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u/nenyabi 16h ago
Some people don't know how to cope with their own pain and decide to extend it to those around them. They don't like being the only ones in pain, but they can't accept that causing others to be hurt isolates them and makes them hurt more. I hope OP's wife gets grief therapy AND family therapy to repair the hurt she's causing to her family.
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u/Giantsfan1954 17h ago
That was the right thing,the girls don't need to grow up hating Christmas because of horrible memories.
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u/Virusoflife29 17h ago edited 17h ago
Maybe time to focus on your kids and yourself over her. If its liberating not being around her, might be time to liberate her.
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u/_A-Q 17h ago
It’s one thing for your wife to be mopey but going out of her way to ruin it for your kids is beyond gross.
She needs way more than grief counseling and it sounds like you need some too if going to the supermarket feels like an escape at this point.
NTA but please keep being there for your kids and shield them from your wife’s negativity.
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u/Whiteroses7252012 17h ago
I say this as someone for whom December is a bit of a minefield (at least five losses off the top of my head): not celebrating Christmas isn’t going to bring her dad back. As awful as it is- and it’s absolutely horrific- life goes on because it has to. We don’t get to choose to stop everything when our hearts are broken.
Tell her that you love her, you’re sorry this happened, and she can opt not to participate but not allowing your kids to celebrate is no longer an option. She does get to decide if her children’s Christmas memories will include her or not. And then stand by it.
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u/Flat_Ad1094 17h ago
Good on you for doing this. Exactly the right thing to be doing. You are a good dad and a sensible person.
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u/calm-lab66 17h ago
Maybe ask her what would her dad have wanted for the grandkids. Would he want them to be missing Christmas.
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u/Valuable-Job-7956 17h ago edited 14h ago
Have you thought to send your wife on a vacation the week of Christmas so you can celebrate and she can do what she wants. I know this is not a long term solution but it might give you and your daughters some peace
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u/Punkodramon 16h ago
I thought about this but he can’t just ship her off somewhere, she has to make the choice to remove herself from the situation if she’s not going to participate. However it seems like she’s stuck in her feelings, doesn’t want anyone round her to enjoy the holidays because she’s still grieving and doesn’t seem like she’s open to any form of compromise on that. The only real option is for OP and the girls to go away/stay with relatives that week and leave her home with her grief. The FOMO either will or will not snap her out of it, but either way, she’s the one who will regret missing these irreplaceable experiences with her family in the long run.
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u/rockmusicsavesmymind 17h ago edited 17h ago
So today is Christmas, did you and your kids celebrate?? I kept reading. Happy you gave kids Christmas. We only have so few years for the magic of Santa...
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u/SuggestionOdd6657 17h ago
My dad died on Thanksgiving Day 2003 and it was also his 78th birthday. My BFF's mother died the same year on Christmas Day. Neither of us thought about not celebrating. We have grandchildren. At some point you have to put your kids first.
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u/Duckeee47 16h ago
My friend lost his wife to cancer two years ago, days after Christmas. He now hates Christmas but he does it up big for his kids (whom are under 10). Sometimes as a parent you have to suck it up and do what’s best for the kids.
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u/whatsmypassword73 18h ago
NOPE, she’s abdicating her role as a parent to soak up her victimhood.
Sorry, I lost my husband last year which is so much worse and you know what I did?
Prioritize my child.
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u/Livid_Cauliflower_13 17h ago
Seriously. I, too, lost my husband in late july last year and still did absolutely all the holidays with my 5 year old last year and this year. OPs wife is being a huge jerk. One thing I’ve learned being a widow is life for others moves on, even if yours seems to have stopped. So… I deal with my grief in therapy and I move on.
Hugs for your loss.
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u/whatsmypassword73 17h ago
I’m so sorry, it’s brutal. I hope you’re in r/widowers it’s helpful
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u/Livid_Cauliflower_13 16h ago
Yes. They saved me that first night when I had literally no one to talk to and couldn’t sleep…
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u/Bella-1999 17h ago
I’m sorry for your loss and good on you for getting on with things for your child!
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u/Live-Succotash2289 17h ago
The first Christmas after my husband died was hard but the day passed and I was glad to see the end of it. I didn't put up many decorations but I baked a lot of cookies as a stress release. Each year it got easier but I still prefer low key holidays.
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u/MyChoiceNotYours 17h ago
NTA she's allowing her grief to ruin her marriage and punish her kids and that's not ok. In the last 12 years I've had five loved ones pass away around Christmas time either just before or just after. Christmas is a very sad time for me but I don't let it effect those around me. Do I go all out and put decorations up and stuff no but there's a Christmas tree and I made the effort to have nice food for my family and there were presents. Your wife needs to stop punishing you and the kids and if she won't then you need to protect your kids and take them away from her because right now she's damaging them mentally and emotionally. You also deserve better. Grief is hard and cruel but that doesn't mean she should be the same.
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u/Impossible_Balance11 16h ago
Send her to a hotel for alone time if she doesn't want to celebrate. Your kids--and you--deserve happy Christmases. Sounds like she needs a psychiatrist, not just a therapist. Wrong for her to punish everyone else for her grief. Enough is enough. At this point, she's being very selfish.
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 15h ago
She’s so obsessed with losing the relationship with her father that she refuses to build memories with own children?
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u/PsychologicalYak6269 15h ago
I was thinking this too. She’s so obsessed with losing her father that she doesn’t see she’s actively pushing away her husband and children who will one day resent her for ruining Christmas.
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u/PopularAd4986 14h ago
Not only resent her but the memory of their grandfather as well.
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u/Classic_Ad3987 18h ago
I lost my dad the day before Christmas Eve. Yes, that Christmas was hard as were the ones after that. Your wife needs grief counseling. She appears unable to separate the death from the holiday and is basically punishing and ostracizing her children. Your children will always remember that their mother was so wrapped up in her own personal issues that she couldn't even order them something from a website.
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u/Mistress_Jedana 15h ago
You should have still had Christmas for the kids the last 2 years. Kids are only kids for a short while.
She is an adult. She needs to deal with her grief and move on.
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u/BoringCell3591 15h ago
Taking even one Christmas from kids that age is wild to me. Taking three is becoming emotional abuse in my eyes. She needs to be pushed to move through her trauma and think of others.
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u/MycologistPutrid7494 8h ago
Missing the one he died on makes since but every one after is excessive.
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u/EquivalentBend9835 15h ago
I respectfully think your wife needs a new therapist. My dad passed away on my son’s 5th birthday. I never stopped celebrating my son’s birthday with love and joy. I never forgot my dad. My dad is gone, but my children are here. Her dad isn’t here to care one way or another about what she does/grieves after he is gone. Put your children first. You might need to leave her so your children grow up with a healthy look at death.
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u/Useless890 17h ago
NTA. Your kids shouldn't have to miss out. Nor should you. You and your kids should have Christmas. Let your wife join or not.
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u/Whereswolf 18h ago
I'm sorry, but even her therapist is telling her (and you) that the rest of the work to get over this is something she has to work on. And she clearly doesn't.
Which leaves you with a choice: Either you suck it up and accept that your wife behaves like a spoiled teenager every Christmas (until she seeks divorce) or you take the steps and seek divorce (and hope it will shake her up and make her realize she can't go around and ruin Christmas for her whole family, including her children), just because she doesn't want to hear laughter and happiness in December.
I'm sorry, but she's not listening to you nor the kids. She's so absorbed in the pond of self-pity that she cannot spare room for anyone else. And she's not even trying. She needs some kind of shock before she will finally start realizing there's other people in the world in December.
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u/Dustquake 17h ago
While I agree divorce should be on the table, I think OP has been too nice to her grief and hasn't pushed her hard enough to crack the loop her mind is in. OP should try that first. Straight to divorce gives her loop more victimhood to latch onto.
It will exacerbate her mental state and at minimum the reason to avoid that is she is mom to two children who deserve a functional mom.
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u/sxfrklarret 14h ago
Her alive kids should take precedent over her dead dad. A dad who died from a long term illness.
Just keep doing what you are doing and create Christmas memories for your kids.
Simply ask her if she is OK with the only good Christmas memories the kids have don't include her.
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u/pigandpom 17h ago
While there is no time limit on grief, there is a time to set aside grief to ensure children get to experience joy. Your wife wants to wallow in her grief, she can do that, but she can't force others to participate.
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u/Square-Radio8119 17h ago
NTA. She needs different therapy. She needs a whole lot more. She might even have to be away for a bit. This is not healthy for any one of you.
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u/Melissa_co 15h ago
I really feel for your wife… but my Dad died 5.23am Christmas morning 2019 (we were expecting another couple of weeks, so while it wasn’t out of the blue it still wasn’t ‘expected’).
We went back to my parents house, had a cry and a coffee, then I went home to my husband and 2 year old. We opened pressies, made a big deal of him, I cried some more.
I won’t lie, if it was up to me, we wouldn’t celebrate at all. HOWEVER, I have children, I have a husband and family. You bet your arse the Christmas Tree goes up every year, we go and look at Chrissie lights and visit Santa, we wake up at stupid o’clock and I celebrate along with everyone. I still cry. I still remember. Christmas will never be the same for me, but it’s about family and I still have my family around me.
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u/CeramicToast 18h ago
NTA. Your family can hold space for her grief without completely ignoring the holiday and making your kids miss out.
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u/PibbyandPekesMom 16h ago
I’m sorry that he passed but that is no excuse for not celebrating Christmas for your kids. I doubt her father would approve of that.
I would do something to make up for it. Also, I can’t imagine being married to a person like this. It would be a deal breaker for me if she is not trying to move on and let’s face it - she isn’t trying.
If you plan on staying in the marriage I would plan a getaway for you and the kids - go to an Airbnb for Christmas and have it there with just you and the kids.
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u/Agreeable_Ranger4965 17h ago
NTA
Have you considered celebrating Christmas on a different day? Like on the 26th?
Unless this is a religious thing for your family, Christmas is about family time, the day itself isn't as important.
That might help your wife turn the page.
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u/Perfect_Ending7 17h ago
NTA, you’ve been supportive and her grief shouldn’t be preventing others from living normally. However, bear in mind that people don’t ’move on’ they move forward with grief. Grief is a life long journey and if you’re using the words moving on to your wife it’s maybe triggering pain and making her feel like she has to forget her father if she celebrates Christmas. She needs to be encouraged to move forward WITH grief and still continue to live despite the pain. Your kids deserve a happy Christmas still. There is no reason at all why you can’t celebrate, she doesn’t have to participate.
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u/SuperLoris 17h ago
NTA. Your poor kids. I get grief, but it has been years and this is getting pathological. She doesn't get to declare Christmas off limits to two children because of her feelings.
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u/Brose101 16h ago
The woman that I called my second mother, and my best friend, died on December 3rd of this year. Thankfully, my 2 children are grown, but it still shattered them to lose their grammy. While I didn't do my normal baking or a holiday meal this year, we still all exchanged gifts, and opened her gifts together.
Your wife does need a new therapist, as while there is no time limit on grief, she is being exceedingly selfish, especially for your children.
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u/katyd913 16h ago
My husband and I had both lost a parent around the holidays. It is hard but you have to keep going cause life does not stop just because someone dies.
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u/Scary-Breadfruit6107 15h ago edited 15h ago
My mom’s dad (my grandpa) whom we were close with died on Thanksgiving nearly 15 years ago. We have not celebrated Thanksgiving as a family since. While I wouldn’t say Thanksgiving is nearly as important as Christmas, it is one less family gathering. I literally can’t remember the last family thanksgiving we had. (I am nearly 30). There are no more happy memories of hanging with family. There are no typical memories of baking or turkey trots (not that we are that family), but we have no traditions is my point.
My mom the last couple of years has decided she’s finally ready to start celebrating again. I have pushed back as I have my own traditions now. I travel and visit my friends and celebrate with them. I told her she doesn’t get to take away 10-15 years of holidays and randomly decide we can celebrate again.
Not sure what to tell you, but I will say at one point there was a lot of resentment harboring between my sister and I. Especially since we moved away; it’s hard being “alone” during the holidays. I have accepted that we will never be together as a family during Thanksgiving. It doesn’t really bother me as much as my sister. It’s so weird sometimes going to see my friends and seeing how families actually operate on holidays - from a I will never have this stand point.
I don’t have much advice other than telling you fuck your wife’s feelings. I couldn’t imagine being that young and having someone be miserable during Christmas. It was annoying enough to deal with that when I was a teenager and it was “only” Thanksgiving. (I minimize this holiday so much now lol).
Keep celebrating Christmas with your girls and make traditions and memories. I promise they will remember it and be thankful that they have something. If your wife wants to be miserable she can go be miserable in a hotel room somewhere on Christmas.
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u/NOLAnuts 15h ago
Shes living in a prison of grief and you all are supposed to stay in there with her. Good on you for busting your girls out and modeling healthy coping skills. We buried my mother on Mother’s Day. Of course its hard but life as they say is for the living.
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u/NightOfTheHunter 14h ago
I don't see why you can't both celebrate Christmas and mourn Grandpop. Make it part of your tradition to include your wife's dad. Maybe visit his grave, or include a memorial place at your table on Christmas.
We tend to pay more attention to the negative, but it's a choice we make. Doesn't seem fair to your kids in this case. Choose Xmas happiness with them instead. Be sure to include quiet meditation time in honor of mommy's dad. Mommy may need time alone to cry. Then I hope she washes her face and joins the fun.
Tell her not to worry. Enjoying holidays is not disrespecting her dad in any way. I'm sure it's what he'd want.
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u/KellynHeller 14h ago
This is literally the prime time of your kids Christmas memories!
Absolutely NTA.
I think you should do whatever you need to do or can do to make it good for your kids. Don't ruin their holiday too
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u/Spiritual_Channel820 13h ago
NTA. Your wife has moved beyond normal grief and into Complicated Grief. Her shrink is pushing her to move on because it is time..
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374
You have done enough for her at this point and have to prioritze your children. I have seen this before and it's the kids who pay for the parent caught in a cycle of grief.
Additionally, her father was terminally ill. He did not suddenly die. She should have been better prepared emotionally (my guess is she spent a lot of time in denial). My in-laws lost their only daughter to a short and brutal battle wtih a rare cancer. That was less than 2.5 years ago and they have long since made their peace wtih it. Do they miss her? Of course. But they have full, active, functional lives. They did not let it destroy them.
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 11h ago
It's ok to die on this hill. It's ok to issue ultimatums.
At this point it appears she wants to hurt others they way she feels hurt but this is no longer about her father's passing - a passing that was not sudden in any way.
I would be telling her that you can no longer allow her hurt your children intentionally. She can either sort her shit out and keep it to herself and not project it onto others, or she can leave.
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u/TheNorthh44 18h ago
Well that was unfortunate, but come on, you and your daughters' didn't even knew that man well enough, there's no reason for you to stop your celebrations for years.
She needs to move on. NTA.
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u/raeballentyne 17h ago
NTA. Your family can't put their life on hold forever to accommodate her grief. She's being extremely self centered. It's like saying all your friends can't keep playing your favorite sport because your foot is broken.
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u/Human_Section_4185 16h ago edited 15h ago
I myself do not celebrate Christmas so my comment is not necessarily about it but about the emotional abuse your wife is putting on your family, including her very small children.
I grew up in a house where the mother spoilt everything for us, to the point that she made us ill. All of us, my dad and my siblings as well as myself, have been affected by her behaviour.
Unfortunately, our dad did not react the right way and so I could not count on him.
On the contrary, you seem to be an intelligent man and you MUST protect your children as well as yourself because at the end of the day, your children only have you to rely on. At least until she changes her behaviour.
You need to ask yourself if she was like this before or if this only started with the death of her father. If it started before, it is more serious and you may have to make decisions like giving her an ultimatum to make changes. If she has some mental health issues (like my mum had), she needs to sort them out without putting its weight on her family (the way my mum did, selfishly and savagely).
Marriage and family are precious. Do whatever you can to save them but ultimately, you are the protector of your children. I wish my dad had been able to do something and make the right decisions at the time. We had no one but God.
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u/Sharp_Replacement789 17h ago
If her dad died on Christmas day, then maybe you can make Christmas eve be a special family time. Open all the family presents that night. Leave the big Santa present for the morning....but maybe do a Christmas eve dinner and family presents that night. Grief takes different forms for everyone. Yes, it is time for her to not let her grief effect the children, but maybe a little change like this will make it easier for her to participate.
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u/thisissofi 17h ago
Yikes, OP. My father died in June a few years back. So huge difference but I will say this. When the holidays came, I absolutely did not want to celebrate them in anyway. I still struggle celebrating them 7 years later. However... Full stop. I would never rob my child of the joy of the holidays. Shame on her for being a shitty parent.
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u/imakesawdust 17h ago
Your wife is going to regret the missed opportunities with her kids while they're young. Or maybe she won't. Maybe she's too far gone. YOU need to celebrate with your kids while they're still young with or without your wife.
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u/she_makes_a_mess 16h ago
I wonder if she thinks her dad would want that or would he want to her to celebrate and enjoy life's moments
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u/AssociateGood9653 16h ago
I lost both parents right around Christmas, about 15 years apart. It’s a hard time of year for me but I don’t want to make it suck for anyone else.
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u/801LittleMonster 15h ago
NTA
My mom passed on the 23 of December. We celebrated the next year. Her passing is mine to deal with. Not my children’s to have their joy taken away.
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u/SM311 15h ago
NTA She is robbing your children from having their childhood because her dad passed 3 years ago? No. Everyone is allowed to grieve, but they are not allowed to demand extended grief from others.
Celebrate Christmas as normal and let her know that she is free to take a nice vacation if she doesn’t want to participate.
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u/AugustBurnsRice 15h ago
I was in your kids shoes when my grandpa died when I was 12. It literally ruined the rest of my middle school and high school years. My (single) mom stopped working. Filed bankruptcy. Wouldn’t take me to school.
I’m 30 now and our relationship is just starting to heal from it. She needs to really figure this out to be quite honest.
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u/Maximumoverdrive76 15h ago
She is in the wrong. She is ruining Christmas for her own kids. She needs to stop conflating the two.
This is 2 years since he passed and being terminally ill means it wasn't unexpected or sudden either.
This is some mental issues of her and it's affecting the rest of the family. I mean is she literally forbidding Christmas for her kids? Like what no gifts, no Christmas dinner.
Get away from her and take the kids and see her family or your family for Christmas.
This is affecting the kids and you.
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u/jasminemidnightbloom 15h ago
Pretty much Every single person on earth will experience their parents dying. Cue circle of life Lion King music. It’s hard. You move on for your spouse and kids. It’s not about YOU buttercup.
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u/Limp-Local9071 15h ago
NTA. At this rate, her kids lost their mother the day she lost her father.
I lost mine 4 years ago, Nov. 30th. I know that grief. It's absolutely awful and changes you as a person.
That said, her kids need her. She's sad without her father, and now she's depriving her kids of their mother. She's depriving them and herself of special memories. Memories her kids can hang on to when her time to pass comes. Memories with our loved ones are what keep them alive and with us when they're gone.
We all know that our time could be cut short at any moment. What if this was the very last Christmas her kids had with her and she with them? Does she want them to have happy Christmas memories with her or sad ones? What if something happened to one of your kids? How would she feel if she possibly deprived them of their last Christmas? We never know how much time any of us has.
We have to find happiness in the midst of sadness and hardship. That's how we get through. That's how we keep moving on with the rest of the world and with our loved ones. Maybe there can be new traditions? Everyone can tell their favorite story of her father at Christmas. We talk about my dad all the time. There's plenty of stories over the years from all different perspectives, and I love hearing them.
If she can't find her way through her grief for her kids, then you may have some difficult decisions to make. But do not put your hands on her again. I understand the frustration, but you can not grab her shoulders and shake her. That is a slippery slope, and it doesn't help her, you, or your kids. Find another therapist as others have suggested, maybe a different kind of therapy, maybe group therapy. Hell, if she's on reddit, too, there are support groups here as well. SOMETHING has to change here for the sake of the kids.
I really wish you and your family the best OP.
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u/Tired-CottonCandy 15h ago
It's time for your wife to spend christmas alone in a hotel, or maybe even on a straight up vacation somewhere nice, while you and your kids get to celebrate without her negativity and sour energy.
If shes not willing to try for her family, then she needs to remove herself rather than drag her entire family down with her. Her grief and desire not to celebrate anymore is understandable, and if she truly doesn't want to, then she should not. But her choice to inflict this on you and your children is not okay or healthy.
Obviously, it's preferable that she chooses to celebrate with her children, because she is a mother and wife, not just a daughter and her feelings on the subject should not be all that matters to her. But if she is incapable of such things, then instead of taking the holiday from everyone, she just needs to remove herself. It's literally all that is fair to everyone involved at this point. Most importantly, the children who deserve to have a childhood not run by their mothers' grief.
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